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Wednesday, January 21, 2009


sporting a snow cap:
child-painted bright blue bird house,
rocked by skeletal tree

Posted by diana l. at 10:39 AM  

5 comments:

Area 17 said...

That's a great opening line!

I wonder if the middle line might be too much? It's such a captivating line that it's strong enough to form the 'phrase' part of the haiku.

e.g.

sporting a snow cap:
the bird house
child-painted blue

sporting a snow cap suggests so eloquently that it's winter and the trees are bare that you could get away without using the last line of your original haiku.

all my best,

Alan
The With Words Competition 2009

.

January 23, 2009 at 7:12 AM  
diana l. said...

That's great feedback, Alan. My original was feeling somewhat gawky in its wording, but I was taken by the image.

Am I "old school" however in being a stickler for the "5-7-5" structure?

Please, everyone, feel free to give useful feedback - both positive and negative - on any of my pieces. That's what I'm really seeking.

January 23, 2009 at 12:26 PM  
Area 17 said...

Unfortunately the 5-7-5 structure is a bit of a misconception on several counts.

The first point is that haiku originated from Japan where they do not have an alphabet whatsover and do not have syllables.

The Japanese language systems, yes systems - whereas we only have one system (the alphabet) - contain phrasal pictograms and other non-romanised/alphabeta systems.

They also use words for punctuation whereas we use symbols such as . , ; : ... and they count their 'grammar words' whereas we don't count our grammar as part of the 575 structure.

haiku is two syllables but three on in Japanese. 'Though' is one syllable but three on in Japanese and so on.

There's nothing wrong with using 575 for English-language haiku but it has to obey the rules of good poetry, particulary contemporary poetry, and that includes good line breaks, and natural syntax, not 'tontoisms' or 'Dalek-speak'.

Even Basho went outside the 5/7/5 structure as did other classic poets and modern and contemporary Japanese poets.

So original 'old school' didn't stick to 5/7/5 and neither should we unless the syntax is natural, something you would almost say conversationally in a queue at the Mall, supermarket, reataurant etc... ;-)

The challenge with haiku is that it's more a genre than a form, and yet there is 'form' but it isn't really a syllabic count, but the 'essence' that needs to contain both a vertical and horizontal axis of layers of meaning, including allusion etc...

Phew, a lot, and I'm still learning after 15 years! ;-)

Alan

January 25, 2009 at 8:13 AM  
diana l. said...

Thanks so much for taking the time to explain that all to me. I feel like someone who just exchanged a tight corset for a slightly looser one.

January 26, 2009 at 8:47 PM  
Area 17 said...

That's a great quote! ;-)

all my best,

Alan
The With Words Competition 2009

.

January 27, 2009 at 6:51 AM  

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