(Here is a re-draft of the original below, after some helpful critique by Poet in Residence)
The crystal moon
at my feet this dawn
--before the frost crackles
Crystal moon supine
briefly, at my feet this dawn;
before the frost crackles
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Posted by Beatrice V at 10:00 AM
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3 comments:
I think I'd be tempted to lose 'supine' and 'briefly'
to make the image stronger,
your crackle of the frost is good
Thanks PIR, I always welcome constructive criticism, will try it out and see how it feels. (so far I tried to keep as close as possible to the 5-7-5, while I gain confidence in with haiku, maybe your suggestion helps me to be a bit more free)
This is a stunning haiku Beatrice. Although I'm not convinced by 'crackles' - there is something comic about the word.
Take it or leave it but I think 'snaps' is a stronger word and would fit well here.
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